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L o v e . is . a . V E R B ;
here in my room
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FFVII [TxA] | we make this look goooood

It took a bit for me to open up about this. I'm really happy though!! I've been planning the wedding like a crazy person. It's going to be fabulously nerdy. I'm a really happy girl right now. ^^

28 Sep 2014 - anxious
FFVII [TxA] | we make this look goooood
Gallbladder surgery tomorrow. So freaking anxious about it. :[ I'm trying to remember all the rules I was given & I still am worried that I'll forget something. Just really have to remember to take my lip ring out before we leave. They said to wear extremely comfortable clothing because that's what I'll be wearing when I leave.
Lost Odyssey [Seth] | lost in memories
I feel like I'm drifting and no matter how hard I try to hold on to something, I just can't get a grip on anything. I had a severe gallbladder attack two weeks ago that I went to the emergency room for. I have to get my gallbladder out. Wednesday I have to meet with my surgeon to talk about getting my gallbladder removed. I'm really scared. Being a bigger girl, there's a much higher chance of complications in any kind of surgery, even if it's easy. & that scares the shit out of me. I had my tonsils removed when I was 6 & that was the only surgery I've ever had done.

& I just keep contemplating going back to Indiana. I haven't said anything to Jeff about it, but this whole thing has really stirred up my anxiety & the bad parts of my mental issues & I just don't want him to be around that.

I just feel really alone right now. I don't know if I have ever felt this alone before.

I just don't feel like I belong.
FFVII [TxA] | we make this look goooood
FML. Working on another TCG.


A lot of the pages aren't working right now, but still. Somebody mentioned an artbook tcg on the exposure forums & Renako offered to make one, but I could not get this thought out of my head. Especially since I started the Rainbow Whateverthefuckitwas back in the day & never finished making it. Plus, since the images are puzzle decks, deck making is super easy. Deck examples:

Any images you guys would like to donate to be made into decks? ;D hehe. & lemme know if you think this looks interesting!
Art [Cancer] | love my zodiac
I've been off of my Prozac for about a month or two now & this was something that I was incredibly proud of. I spent my teenage years depressed, then I quit school at 16 & became incredibly depressed, rather than just normal teenage depression. This went on until October 2009. Had severe panic attacks & thought I was dying (LOL I can laugh now but omg I was flipping out at the time) so yeah. Finally I went to my current doctor for the first time & got put on Prozac & I've been on it since. So 3 years of taking it.

Lately I've just been fucking pissed as all hell though & so easily irritated. Which I hate. I hate being like that! I think it's because work has been stressing me out big time. I switch departments this Saturday & I have heard nothing but horror stories about the department I'm going to. So... if I don't like where I'm at, I might end up looking for a new job. lol. My time in Lawn & Garden was a fluke!! It was only here to make me soft & pliable & overly content so the world could sneak up & fuck me over double time. LMFAO. hahahaha. I really hope I like it though, because I love working. I like my job. There are more awesome people at that store than asshats, so yeah.

So I don't know if I need to be back on Prozac & just stay on that forever or if I should just wait it out & try to stay calm. I keep trying to listen to music & calm down, but I feel over-sensitized to everything right now & have spent the day snapping at family. Little bullshit that I let just go over my head usually even though it irritates me is driving me absolutely nuts today. It's one of those days where I would give anything for a roomy closet to shut myself in & my mp3 player. No joke. I slept in my sister's closet when she moved to Florida. It was my safe place.

No it's not that time of the month, btw. lol. So that's not why I'm being a snatchmo.

I think what's bugging me the most is moving departments. I seriously feel like I just got settled & am being uprooted again. lol. & deep down, I'm terrified that I won't be able to get back into Lawn & Garden. I like where I work. Maybe where I work doesn't like me, so that's why I'm being uprooted. LOL. Fuck.

God I need to start meditating again. I don't care what anybody says, quieting your mind even for 10 minutes does wonders.

I just need to take the advice that ZMS Nick gave me. This is just work. The people there don't matter (though I fucking love them & care way too much what they think of me). It's a job. It pays. So I need to just let it go. Anyways, what matters most is what I think of myself, not what others think of me. I have to repeat this shit to myself all the time. It's my mantra.

I know who I am. I'm a good person with a good heart & I have been pushing myself more at work than I ever have at anything else in my life. So the fact that I see my progress is what matters. Because I am here to make myself happy, not anybody else! I like working because it makes me feel good about myself. Pushing myself into my muscles feel like they're going to fall right off the bone & I just want to collapse is something I actually enjoy.

So people will be shits. There will be people I do not like in the new department, this is just an unfortunate part of life. I just have to remember that I like myself, god dammit. & that is what is most important.

Tired. Must do a few things before bed & then go the fuck to sleep.

P.S. Seeing member of management I really do not like run away when they saw my mom at Walmart: priceless. God I wish my mom could work there still. But I never would have grown. At all. I would have stuck to mom every time I had a problem. & I don't want to be like that. I have a habit of bolting whenever a real problem arises & I would rather not do that anymore. So I'm going to be tough for once in my life.

P.P.S. I love when I'm going through my playlist & I come across a song that says exactly what I need to hear. So singing this song very loudly has made me feel a million times better. The bass in this is just UNF.

I'd like to close my eyes and go numb

But there's a cold wind coming from

The top of the highest high rise today

Its not a breeze 'cause it blows hard

Yes and it wants me to discard

The humanity I know, watch the warmth blow away

So don't let the world bring you down

Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold

Remember why you came and while you're alive

Experience the warmth before you grow old

So do you think I should adhere

To that pressing new frontier

And leave in my wake, a trail of fear

Or Should I hold my head up high

And throw a wrench in spokes by

I'm leaving the air behind me clear
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